I never thought I’d be using Bugs Bunny as a prime example of sage, wise, and Spiritually relevant wisdom. However, in thinking of what I wanted to share about healthy relationship techniques, a favorite Bugs-ism immediately came to mind. You may remember that, whenever the doo-doo was hitting the fan, he’d often look at the camera, and say (in that New Yawk accent), “Hmmm…I think I shoulda turned left at Albu-qoiky).” As a kid, I never knew where Albuquerque was, but it sure sounded exotic.
What brings this to mind, has to do with wanting to explore the notion that how you relate to change – particularly in your relationships – is becoming of greater and greater import and impact on the health of your relationship and your life. As has been the case for the last month or so, there are levels of change and disruption that seem to be intensifying at a rapid rate…deaths, divorces, people losing jobs, financial setbacks, betrayals, etc. It’s a natural thing when this is going on for you to imagine that something’s wrong. When a couple is fighting a lot, for example, it’s easy to talk about it in terms like, “We’re screwed up” or “We’re in BAD shape.”
Whenever the “order” that your mind so treasures seems to be getting messed with, how do YOU think about it and talk about it? What’s the language you use to describe what’s going on and how you’re feeling about it?
If you (and/or your relationship) are going through major upheavals, whether it’s seeming to be about circumstances or about problems you perceive your Partner is having (this is also relevant to non-romantic relationships, by the way), the natural inclination is to want to fix it. Why? Because you don’t want to feel uncomfortable or insecure. But, to call a spade a spade, I’d say you really don’t want to feel pain. And, why should you? It doesn’t feel good. I don’t like it, myself. Funny thing is, though, the mind doesn’t seem to have figured out that doing everything you can to avoid the pain or discomfort usually nets you much more pain and discomfort in the long haul!
The almost reflexive patterns you have to try and avoid pain – and topreserve comfort and security at all costs – are more rapidly getting to become more and more hung on to at your own peril and at the peril of your relationships. I’m not a believer that life is supposed to be miserable, nor do I believe you came into this life to be a devoted missionary for the joys of inner misery (some marriages seeming to be notwithstanding). What I DO believe more and more, lately, is that the healthiest, juiciest, and most vital relationships in ANY arena are going to be the ones that – in a way – court discomfort and insecurity.
Notice, I’m not saying “…court misery.” I’m suggesting that, given the intense and rapid shifts in energies, consciousness, and environments (physical and otherwise) going on lately, life in general (and your relationship) is going to be much more sane to navigate – and empowered – if you’re able to actually learn to embrace a few things I’ve come to see are true (and helpful) for me:
When it comes down to it, no matter how bright, aware, or smart you really think you are…you really don’t know Jack. Your ego really wants you to believe you do…but, you (and the rest of us, I contend) don’t. If you need evidence of this, just look at how surprised you get when the Partner you’ve had, and neglected, for years dumps you or has an affair…and you’re absolutely thunderstruck with shock).
Everything you thought you knew about how life and things works…question it all, and don’t assume the old rules are valid anymore. Maybe you’ve noticed that’s happening all over the world.
Embrace the notion that the American attachment to and obsession with figuring out stuff, sorting out stuff, and then fixing stuff all on your own is a one-way ticket to greater confusion, frustration, and narcissistic self-abuse…and it’s not going to change any time soon, if ever.
When it comes to relationships, it’s a much richer domain if you hold them as sacred, Spiritual vehicles. Have you ever seen a Symphony Conductor do Beethoven’s 9th all by him/herself? There’s a reason that we need an orchestra AND a conductor to play that there beautiful music. Sometimes you can be the conductor, but most of the time you need the wisdom and support of others to hold your heart, help give you strength, offer perspectives you’re not seeing, and to even lovingly tell you that you may just be suffering from a temporary case of Cranial Rectumitis.
Lest you wonder if the New Year has brought about an unforeseen overdose of the Grumpies getting slipped into my morning chai, I’m actually offering this perspective to help start you and your relationships on a pathway that could greatly enhance your joy, fulfillment, and purpose.
I’ve had my own recent experience of seeing how my own attachments to comfort and security had lulled me to sleep in my own 30-year marriage…and, I considered myself to be someone that was pretty awake. Because I really like to offer my own learning and experiences as a means for others to maybe not have to make the same mistakes, I’m offering you a perspective here that – as I embrace it – is already starting to take my 30-year relationship into new, energizing, and much more intimate territory. Embracing discomfort or pain as a self-actualization path can be useful…unnecessary suffering is not.
So, I invite you to really actively play with what happens when you try shifting your reaction to the sh*t seeming to hit the fan from “What’s wrong?” to “What do I get to make right?”
As part of his mission to help create a legacy of love, one relationship at a time, Geoff helps couples get the relationship back with each other that they’ve been dreaming of instead of continuing to live the one they’ve been settling for.
Geoff is a Master Recovering Your Relationships Mentor & Coach who has spent the last 16 years guiding individuals and couples worldwide in re-energizing and re-inventing their relationships – with themselves and others – before they get irreparably damaged. This, combined with his 30 years as a loving husband and father, has provided Geoff with the real-life experience needed to guide others in rescuing and renewing the relationships into which so much time, love, and energy have been invested – and need not be wasted.
To learn more, please visit http://www.geofflaughton.com or http://www.facebook.com/recoveringyourrelationshipGeoffLaughton
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